A year ago on a drive to Target I was lamenting over a horrible hangover from an alcohol relapse I had the night before. I was so very tired of feeling that way. I was fighting with God as to why I was someone who struggled with addiction at all. I was begging Him for things to be different. That's when the thought hit me. Is this pain, physical and emotional, worth it? Over something I could actually remove from my life for good? This was the first time in my two years of recovery work the idea of just walking away from alcohol seemed doable, seemed like the best answer. Addiction is weird like that; of course it's the best answer but addiction makes those seemingly reasonable decisions hard to make. Then another thought washed over me, so much wasted energy! I spent so much time wasting energy on being resistant to total abstinence. I used up so much energy trying to stop obsessive thoughts about drinking. So much time was wasted using alcohol to escape from and numb the things that just seemed too big or hard to heal from. So much wasted energy on denouncing the label, alcoholic. I refused to believe in my powerlessness over my addiction. I refused to believe the facts, my powerlessness, and my inability to accept it was making my life unmanageable.
I became very aware at that point what song was playing on the radio.
“Your name, your name is victory.”
In the midst of my tears and anger that day pulling into my parking spot at Target I heard God speak to me, “Mandy, all that energy. We could use it differently! We could use it to bring goodness to the world!” He had promised me so much more and I wanted change, freedom, and a new life now more than ever but my energy was focused on the wrong things. That incorrectly focused energy was robbing me of a new life.
The song played on, “In your name I come alive to declare your victory, the resurrected king is resurrecting me.”
The sobs came, the emotions of carrying such a heavy load washed over me. All the defeat, shame, guilt, and exhaustion over it all was held in one word, "Jesus. . ." I whispered through my tears. I was incapable of any words other than this one. With a deep emotional surrender and cry for help to the one offering me so much more, "Jesus. . ." I said again.
It was a Holy Spirit moment, no doubt. A mental, emotional and spiritual shift took place right there in that Target parking lot. I was moved and I felt lighter as I walked into the store but I want you to know it wasn’t a cloud parting, angels singing kind of moment like some people talk about when they experience miraculous moments. This miracle moment was a gradual awakening for me, and it required work on my part. I resolved that day to let go. I resolved to focus on where my energy was spent.
It wasn’t until a month or two went by that I realized those moments in the car were not just another proclamation to do better like all the other promises made before them, but they were in fact moments of divine deliverance from my addiction. All that energy wasted on trying to stay sober was set free. My need for alcohol was indeed erased. It was my miracle moment. My mind was now focused on growth and learning and chasing the dreams God had placed in my heart years ago. My mind was no longer running this undercurrent of thoughts of using alcohol to escape the parts of my life I couldn't cope with. I was facing the things I had been trying to escape for years with a new courage and passion I had never known. A new confidence was given to me that day. Slowly, I knew God had in fact given me the gift of a new way to live. Slowly, I allowed myself to see what that day at Target really was: a divine deliverance. A year ago, I experienced resurrection.
Resurrection cannot take place without a crucifixion. I crucified my addiction, my resistance, my ego, and my self-reliance that day. With the simple utterance of the powerful name of Jesus I gave all that away. Christ's resurrection is our resurrection. Not only did his death pay for our transgressions, His resurrection from death to life offers us the glorious benefit of newness as well. His resurrection does not just symbolize a reset to get things back to they way they were, His resurrection symbolizes a new way of life. I began working on not just making things go back to the way they used to be before my addiction started robbing my life. I resolved to allow God to make my life new and different.
Addiction made me a walking, breathing, moving DEAD person. My holy deliverance from my addiction erased that. I am not just alive now; my deliverance is like a resurrection to a new and different life. A life of living in the promises of freedom that Christ's resurrection represents.
Today on Easter, as we celebrate Christ's Resurrection and new life offered to all, I also celebrate my own personal resurrection. God did not just give me the gift of a stronger resolve at doing a better job at staying sober; He gave me a clean slate and the ability to use my energy for better purposes.
Will there be temptations to hide from the things I don't want to see or feel in the future? Yes. The occasional yet familiar yearning to numb the pain of things that seem too big will still come from time to time. I know this, but my deliverance is in finding a better way to move through the hard stuff. My defects of character led me to addiction and the Evil One will always use my weakness of addiction to try and stop me from pushing forward in this new life. But I have a new weapon. Through prayer and meditation, I seek God daily. I make a conscious effort to find Him in my weakness, take a daily inventory of when my energy is being spent in the wrong place, promptly admit it, and give it back to God. I only want His will.
Ephesians 5:8-17 MSG
You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer. You're out in the open now. The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So no more stumbling around. Get on with it! The good, the right, the true -- These are the actions appropriate for daylight hours. Figure out what will please Christ and then do it.
Don't waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It's scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where not one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ.
Wake up from your sleep, climb out of those coffins; Christ will show you the light!
So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate time!
Don't live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants.
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